Actions Speak Louder Than Words

St. Valentine's Day has come and gone. While others are exchanging cards, gifts, chocolates, flowers, and embraces, I was completely ignoring the day. Valentine's Day has had negative meaning for me since high school, until my daughter was born Valentine's morning twelve years ago. I suppose God knew I needed a reason to make it through Valentine's Day every year, something to celebrate, so he blessed me with my own little angel. Valentine's Day doesn't exist in our home; instead it's a day to celebrate my daughter's birth, my receipt of the greatest gift I've ever been given. 

In reflection of this day full of confections, I realize I know little about the origination of the holiday other than the Catholic Church designation of it as a day to remember St. Valentine - a man I'm certain few think of when they're making their romantic plans. True to modern day America, we have taken a day from history and turned into one of the grandest displays of secular consumerism there is, not far below Christmas. OK, so even if I give in to that, is it really a healthy image of relationships? While romance is always a nice concept, it's not a true representation of marriage. Alongside movies about finding Prince Charming and tunes sung by time's greatest crooners, Valentine's Day encourages the connotation of romance as prerequisite for love.

But those of us who have been married know that love is not romance, romance is not love. Perhaps the fact that romance is connected to every movie, song, and book about love has us expecting love and romance to come hand in hand. Perhaps it is in part responsible for the huge increase in divorce in the past forty years. Now, please don't take this as my being anti-romance - I'm all for it and nothing makes me tear up like a man who truly romances his love with a well-thought out, creative plan of his own. However, we must remember that real relationships, unlike that of the happily-ever-after stereotype, take work. A lot of hard work. 

Love isn't something you can fall into and out of, like an ice cream flavor of the week. Love is something that frequently you have to try to do. Love is a choice, and sometimes it's a very difficult choice. But this is the lesson God has created us for - to learn to love unconditionally and completely, so that when we come before Him, we can experience His pure love and return it. Love is something that should be given freely, not with expectations or conditions. True love goes beyond looks, actions, beliefs, thoughts, and words. Remember Our Lord's word "Love thy enemy." Most would say that's impossible; you can't love someone who is an enemy. Keep in mind that love is completely different than like. Ask any man or woman if they always like their spouse. I'm certain most if not all will say no. Follow up by asking if they still love their spouse even when they don't like something he or she has done or said, and they will most likely say yes. 

Love doesn't always have to be connected with a romantic interest, which is probably where a lot of our expectation that if we love someone we will always say the right thing or do the right thing. Consider the love a parent has for a child. In this relationships, the parent is constantly giving to and caring for the child, without expectation of return. Forgiveness is never-ending. Even when he or she is a rebellious child and dares to utter the words "I hate you," while it's a stab to the heart for the parent, the love for the child is not diminished. Even when a parent makes the difficult decision to cut off the help they give their child, perhaps financially, they choose to do so because of the love for the child and the desire to see the child make good choices and learn responsibility.

Imagine if everyone took this concept of love and applied it to their marriages. If one spouse continued to show his or her love to the other regardless of whether it was returned. If kindness, respect, and duty continued, even when love wasn't felt returned. Of course, a much harder concept to enact than to contemplate or discuss. So I will close with one final thought, a favorite quote...

"What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say."

St. Jude

According to legend St. Jude, one of the original twelve apostles, was a relative, most likely a cousin, of Jesus and grew up in the same region as Jesus. His mother was a cousin of the Virgin Mary and his father the brother of St. Joseph. His brother, St. James, was also one of the original twelve apostles. He and his family were farmers by trade. He is known to have written a Gospel letter encouraging recent Christian converts to persevere in the harsh, difficult circumstances they were in and to keep their faith, staying in the love of God. This led to his current designation as patron saint of desperate cases. About 65 A.D., St. Jude was martyred by either axe or club. His body was taken to Rome and placed beneath St. Peter's Basilica where pilgrims still visit his crypt.

If, like myself, you find yourself in a situation you find impossible to resolve and feel hopeless, I suggest a Novena to this beloved saint and apostle. A novena is a prayer said for nine consecutive days invoking the help of a particular saint (or Mary or Jesus), with the promise to publish one's request to encourage others to seek the intercessor's aid. Traditionally, while one is completing a novena, fasting and meditating would also be done. Many Novenas have particular prayers that are used, but several, such as St. Jude, vary by the reciter. There are dozens of prayers to choose from, or create your own. St. Jude is frequently turned to by those experiencing or close to someone experiencing illness or other medical problems, financial or employment difficulty, relationship problems, depression, and addiction.

Your prayer to St. Jude invoking his help should be followed by three Our Fathers, three Hail Marys, and three Glorias (also known as the Glory Be). After you've said your novena, don't be surprised if you receive an answer or help different than what you were expecting or hoping for. But don't despair, help will come... just be open to God's will.

Here is my Novena to St. Jude, Day 1

Blessed Apostle St. Jude, I call upon you for help in hope and utmost confidence. St. Jude, renowned help of the hopeless, come to my aid in this time of distress. St. Jude, cousin of Our Lord, obtain from our Savior the favors I now need and seek, especially (peace within my family and a resolution to the problems and difficulties that put a strain on my daughter). You know that which troubles me most and the resolution for which I seek your intercession. Hear my prayer, in the name of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen.