Actions Speak Louder Than Words

St. Valentine's Day has come and gone. While others are exchanging cards, gifts, chocolates, flowers, and embraces, I was completely ignoring the day. Valentine's Day has had negative meaning for me since high school, until my daughter was born Valentine's morning twelve years ago. I suppose God knew I needed a reason to make it through Valentine's Day every year, something to celebrate, so he blessed me with my own little angel. Valentine's Day doesn't exist in our home; instead it's a day to celebrate my daughter's birth, my receipt of the greatest gift I've ever been given. 

In reflection of this day full of confections, I realize I know little about the origination of the holiday other than the Catholic Church designation of it as a day to remember St. Valentine - a man I'm certain few think of when they're making their romantic plans. True to modern day America, we have taken a day from history and turned into one of the grandest displays of secular consumerism there is, not far below Christmas. OK, so even if I give in to that, is it really a healthy image of relationships? While romance is always a nice concept, it's not a true representation of marriage. Alongside movies about finding Prince Charming and tunes sung by time's greatest crooners, Valentine's Day encourages the connotation of romance as prerequisite for love.

But those of us who have been married know that love is not romance, romance is not love. Perhaps the fact that romance is connected to every movie, song, and book about love has us expecting love and romance to come hand in hand. Perhaps it is in part responsible for the huge increase in divorce in the past forty years. Now, please don't take this as my being anti-romance - I'm all for it and nothing makes me tear up like a man who truly romances his love with a well-thought out, creative plan of his own. However, we must remember that real relationships, unlike that of the happily-ever-after stereotype, take work. A lot of hard work. 

Love isn't something you can fall into and out of, like an ice cream flavor of the week. Love is something that frequently you have to try to do. Love is a choice, and sometimes it's a very difficult choice. But this is the lesson God has created us for - to learn to love unconditionally and completely, so that when we come before Him, we can experience His pure love and return it. Love is something that should be given freely, not with expectations or conditions. True love goes beyond looks, actions, beliefs, thoughts, and words. Remember Our Lord's word "Love thy enemy." Most would say that's impossible; you can't love someone who is an enemy. Keep in mind that love is completely different than like. Ask any man or woman if they always like their spouse. I'm certain most if not all will say no. Follow up by asking if they still love their spouse even when they don't like something he or she has done or said, and they will most likely say yes. 

Love doesn't always have to be connected with a romantic interest, which is probably where a lot of our expectation that if we love someone we will always say the right thing or do the right thing. Consider the love a parent has for a child. In this relationships, the parent is constantly giving to and caring for the child, without expectation of return. Forgiveness is never-ending. Even when he or she is a rebellious child and dares to utter the words "I hate you," while it's a stab to the heart for the parent, the love for the child is not diminished. Even when a parent makes the difficult decision to cut off the help they give their child, perhaps financially, they choose to do so because of the love for the child and the desire to see the child make good choices and learn responsibility.

Imagine if everyone took this concept of love and applied it to their marriages. If one spouse continued to show his or her love to the other regardless of whether it was returned. If kindness, respect, and duty continued, even when love wasn't felt returned. Of course, a much harder concept to enact than to contemplate or discuss. So I will close with one final thought, a favorite quote...

"What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say."

St. Jude

According to legend St. Jude, one of the original twelve apostles, was a relative, most likely a cousin, of Jesus and grew up in the same region as Jesus. His mother was a cousin of the Virgin Mary and his father the brother of St. Joseph. His brother, St. James, was also one of the original twelve apostles. He and his family were farmers by trade. He is known to have written a Gospel letter encouraging recent Christian converts to persevere in the harsh, difficult circumstances they were in and to keep their faith, staying in the love of God. This led to his current designation as patron saint of desperate cases. About 65 A.D., St. Jude was martyred by either axe or club. His body was taken to Rome and placed beneath St. Peter's Basilica where pilgrims still visit his crypt.

If, like myself, you find yourself in a situation you find impossible to resolve and feel hopeless, I suggest a Novena to this beloved saint and apostle. A novena is a prayer said for nine consecutive days invoking the help of a particular saint (or Mary or Jesus), with the promise to publish one's request to encourage others to seek the intercessor's aid. Traditionally, while one is completing a novena, fasting and meditating would also be done. Many Novenas have particular prayers that are used, but several, such as St. Jude, vary by the reciter. There are dozens of prayers to choose from, or create your own. St. Jude is frequently turned to by those experiencing or close to someone experiencing illness or other medical problems, financial or employment difficulty, relationship problems, depression, and addiction.

Your prayer to St. Jude invoking his help should be followed by three Our Fathers, three Hail Marys, and three Glorias (also known as the Glory Be). After you've said your novena, don't be surprised if you receive an answer or help different than what you were expecting or hoping for. But don't despair, help will come... just be open to God's will.

Here is my Novena to St. Jude, Day 1

Blessed Apostle St. Jude, I call upon you for help in hope and utmost confidence. St. Jude, renowned help of the hopeless, come to my aid in this time of distress. St. Jude, cousin of Our Lord, obtain from our Savior the favors I now need and seek, especially (peace within my family and a resolution to the problems and difficulties that put a strain on my daughter). You know that which troubles me most and the resolution for which I seek your intercession. Hear my prayer, in the name of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Book Review: Mrs. Meyer's Clean Home

Strolling through a new discount shop one day, I happened upon two or three huge tables with mounds of books. It was only through coincidence (or divine providence?) that I came across a book from Mrs. Meyer. You may be familiar with the popular line of cleaning products, or you may be asking yourself who the heck she is. Well, as a self-proclaimed Domestic Engineering Executive and Home Manager I long to have her energy, ingenuity, organization and cleaning skills! I had no idea about the woman behind the products, or that she even really existed. (You can locate more information about Mrs. Meyer's line of cleaning products at the Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day website.)

I flipped through the book and was immediately interested when I saw some of her natural cleaning methods and the detailed cleaning information. I paid the bargain price and anxiously took it home with me. I expected to scan the book, making notes on key information I wanted to keep, but I found myself intensely reading or studying each page. It's only now, during my second reading, that I am able to condense what I've read into personal notes. Combined with my other research, reading, and studying of household skills, Mrs. Meyer proves to be adding a lot of information and encouragement to my primary and most important life work - taking care of my family.

Mrs. Meyer's Clean Home: No-nonsense advice that will inspire you to clean like the dickens by Mrs. Thelma A. Meyer is in essence the ultimate guide for anyone who has a home to clean, a family to keep organized, a pot to scrub, or a toilet that gets used. For "house wives," to use the old-fashioned but straight-forward and honest term, I would advise it as a necessary reference book. It would also make a great gift for a young adult heading out on their own for the first time, newlyweds, or a house warming gift. Consider making a basket of cleaning supplies with this lovely book tucked inside.

Going room by room, Mrs. Meyer gives us a detailed look inside her family and cleaning schedule. A cleaning supply list titled "Toolbox" graces the beginning of each room section as she moves from the kitchen through the bathroom, living room, bedrooms, home office, laundry room, and even into "nooks & crannies" and the outdoors. One of the prime features that makes this book a great go-to reference is the list of recommended cleaning practices and agents for a wide variety of surface or material types. For example, in the kitchen section she provides a chart for the different types of sinks one may have including stainless steel, porcelain, copper, and stone. But she doesn't stop there. Oh no. She continues on to discuss cleaning silverware, pots and pans, appliances, knife care, cabinets, cutting boards, and floors, noting key differences in cleaning protocol for each type of surface.

Mrs. Meyer effectively avoids making her cleaning book a dull read. Her quick lines of humor, anecdotal side notes and tips, and short family memory narratives add a sense of personality and joy to what would otherwise be just a boring reference book. Simple and limited but eye-pleasing illustrations and bright colors also help move the reader through the book. While I read it cover to cover the first time, this books organization and detailed table of contents makes it easy to locate individual pieces of information when specifically needed.

When my daughter heads out into the world, she will be receiving her own copy. For now, we have my copy to share while I model and teach her the proper way to care for a home, belongings, and family. Mrs. Meyer's book will also now be my preferred gift for wedding showers, house warmings, and maybe even graduations or 18th birthdays.Whether you aspire to be a grand house keeper like the women of ages past or are looking for fresh inspiration or are just starting out without a clue, Mrs. Meyer's Clean Home will be a priceless addition to your home. As I integrate much of Mrs. Meyer's tips, ideas, and habits into my Home Management plan, I challenge you to see what Mrs. Meyer can do for your home!

Routines: The Key to Success!

We started out the school year with a plan and felt ready to tackle the first year of middle school. Her desk was cleared off, organized, and stocked with essential supplies. A routine had been developed & written out. Her planner was filled with important dates & information. The first week's lunches were planned & written out on the menu planner on the refrigerator. We were ready!

But it didn't take long for the hectic schedule, amount & difficulty of homework, and early mornings to overwhelm us. I quickly lost control of my days, exhausted from being up late then rising early to get her off to school. Sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee to say my morning prayers or watch some news usually ended up in dozing off for a few hours, wasting precious time to complete housework, errands, and other essentials. So the first domino falls, causing the cascade effect we are all familiar with. The rest of my day was rushed, tasks kept piling up as they got delayed, and the mess spiraled out of control. My lack of organization and control seemed to rub off on my daughter. Soon, her desk was piled with stuff, homework and supplies were getting lost, assignments being turned in late, trouble falling asleep and then trouble getting up in the morning, and a lot of distractions and trouble focusing.

This week is exams, the end of the semester. What a great opportunity for us to regroup. So we had a meeting at the kitchen table, notebook and pen in hand. A new plan was developed, two copies written and posted, and put into action immediately. Here is the basics of her new daily routine for school days.

For the morning we assigned times to each task to be sure she stayed on track and out the door on time:
6:15am get up, dressed, wash face, brush hair and teeth, make bed
6:35am eat breakfast
6:55am get on shoes, coat, etc
7am leave for school

For after school, I left specific times off, leaving her some flexibility based on the day's schedule and activities. Tasks are listed in the order they should be completed after she comes in the door.
1 - Empty lunch box (We have a history of leftover food and ice packs being left in the lunch box until I find them the next morning - eww).
2 - Grab a snack & show Mom your planner (During the school day, homework for each class is written in her daily planner, along with reminders, due dates, test dates, upcoming activities, etc. I review it to stay updated & get a sense of how much time will be spent on homework each day. This time also gives her a chance to tell me about her day and for me to ask questions about school, teachers, and friends.)
3 - Chores (There's only a few for school days so they don't take up too much time yet enough to give her some household responsibility. Some examples are feed and water the pets, put away her own things, and put away any clean clothes from laundry I've completed that day.)
4 - Homework (Putting this last gives her time to relax and transition from the school day to the afternoon and evening at home. But we were sure not to place too many other things before homework so that there is plenty time left in the day to be sure it all gets done, hopefully without disturbing the evening routine most of the time.)

I have found that homework time goes more smoothly when we sit at the table together, she working on homework and I with my own quiet task like reading or working on the grocery list and sales ads. I'm immediately available if she has a question and I can give a gentle reminder to focus if she gets off task or starts to day dream. I make sure the television is turned off, but occasionally play some soft, relaxing music like Smooth Jazz or Classical. It makes a fantastic bonding time even though we aren't really talking, and it's an opportunity for me to model responsible behavior. Even if she's still working when it's time for me to begin dinner, we're still in the same room so I can still help or guide as needed.

Her evening routine is left as flexible as possible, with a few time constraints. She is expected to shower daily by a certain time; there are no snacks or beverages after a certain time. Before her bed time she is expected to "prepare for tomorrow" by packing her school things up, laying out her clothes for the morning, etc. Bedtime is different than most other children's routines. Rather than just giving her a time she has to be in bed going to sleep, I allow her time to relax and transition to sleeping time. She must be in bed by a certain time each night, with lights out a half hour later. That half hour is time for her to sit in bed and read or pray. No television, no games, no music, no big bright lights. Just her bedside lamp and a book or prayer beads. These two times are extended by one half hour on non-school nights - enough time to let her stay up later yet not get off track from the school schedule.

Some reminders are needed until we get back into routine as a habit, but what a help it has been already. A simple "are you on track with your routine?" or "check your routine" is plenty and prevents arguments, yelling, or nagging. I find that homework times goes more quickly, mornings and evenings are less rushed, we feel more connected,  and even I feel more encouraged to keep to my routine during the day. Come up with a routine for your own children - each child may be a little different based on age and activities and responsibilities. Post it where it will be seen every day and can be easily referenced. We have one copy taped up in the kitchen and another upstairs in her bedroom, so a copy is never far or inconvenient to look to at. This is also convenient for when you're not home - sitters or grandparents can see it easily too and help keep the kids on track. If you have more than one child, perhaps a chalk board, white board, or cork board would be a great way to group and display everyone's routine list. Sit down with each child separately and come up with a routine together. Some tasks and times will be rigidly set by you as the parents, others you can be flexible with or allow the child to choose on their own. Be sure to write a list of the chores he/she is responsible for at the bottom or on the back, and include a routine for the weekends and other non-school days. For us, weekends include a basic list of tasks and the order they should be completed in, similar to her after school routine, with the exception of shower-by time and bed time. And don't forget to clue Dad in on what's going on and see if he has any input before a final copy of the routines are posted. But just because they're posted doesn't mean they're written in stone. If change is needed or something's not working well, change it. Flexibility can be the key to a successful routine!

Before long, routine will become habit and Mom (or Dad) won't have to be a nag. The kids will do what they should be doing on their own (gasp!), moods will improve, and it's amazing how much time will free up for other activities!

The Foundation of Peace

I have struggled for years with a roller coaster faith. I've also struggled for years with allowing life to control my thoughts, attitudes, actions, and mood. I never really made the connection until recently. Maybe it has to do with reaching those middle years where we finally begin to let go of our immaturity and contemplate the goals we have yet to achieve. It's amazing how fast life can fly by while we're looking forward to the next big event. Then as year number forty approaches, where we are in life, where we wanted to be, and where we want to go become more and more critical and a re-evaluation happens. It was during just such a re-evaluation, a search for meaning and purpose, a desperate reaching out for help, hope, and peace that I discovered the answer had always been there, waiting: God.

We've had an on again/off again relationship over the past thirty-something years. There were times I trusted in Him, relied on Him, and hoped in Him. And then there were times I left Him waiting patiently in the wings while I lived my life however I saw fit, while things seemed to fall apart around me. Time and time again, He has forgiven me for ignoring Him, blaming Him, and denying Him. I am indeed grateful for His never-ending mercy, and His endless blessings when I finally came home to Him. This is where we belong; this is the key to that door we all want to walk through.

The foundation of peace in our lives and in our hearts is a life based on Him. A strong faith and dedication to constant growth will unlock the doors of true happiness, peace, love, hopes, dreams, and will bestow a fountain of blessings we can't even imagine.

I found three basic stones, if you will, to building my foundation of peace. Creating a daily habit of these three stones is helping me to build a very solid foundation. I have faith they will help you, too.

1. Prayer - It's essential. It's our communication with God and all those who do His work from the world beyond. It's our lifeline. A daily habit of prayer will keep us focused and tuned in. Start small, but set aside at least a few minutes a day for prayer. Then as that becomes habit, extend it. I seem to have an almost endless dialogue with God all day from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. Prayer doesn't need to be complicated or intimidating. Talk from the heart, or say a familiar prayer. Just remember to listen, praise, and pray for others in between your requests, and always be open to His will instead of yours.

2. Church - Like Nike's tagline, "Just do it." Go. At least once a week. Worship Him, praise Him, thank Him, and listen to Him. If we ask, then open our hearts and minds, He will speak to us. Sometimes it will be a whisper, other times like running into a brick wall. Be ready for His message, it will come. Set aside the time like any other appointment on your weekly calendar - it is more important and beneficial than any other appointment, meeting, or activity you already have on your calendar. Make it a habit to schedule around church.

3. Spiritual Reading - Have a Bible in your home. If you already have one, go dig it out and dust it off. Set it out on a table where it can be seen and picked up easily. Read something from it every day. Start at the beginning and read to the end, or start with the Gospels or your favorite book if you have one. Or there are several sources to find a list of readings for every day of the year. Here is one such source for Catholics: Catholic Bible in a Year. Catholics may also want to look into making the initial investment of a Daily Missal, which will provide the schedule for every day's Mass readings. However you choose to do it, make it a habit to read the Bible, alone or as a family, every day. God has left us the answer to everything there, from instructions on how He wants to be worshiped to relationship guidelines to spiritual development. It's an invaluable guide. Embrace it, seek out reliable help and guidance if you need help interpreting any of it. I find that the more regularly I pray and attend church, the easier it is for God to reveal His word to me. Seek out other spiritual reading to. Read about saints, church history, history of Christianity, and prayer. Read authors who are spiritually sound and offer guidance, help, advice, or information about relationships, family, and so on in light of God's plan. When you are seeking help from the right places, it's amazing how accessible He makes them.

Create these habits out of love for God and his endless mercy. Be true in your devotions and get ready for an outpouring of blessings in ways you never imagined. I am able to handle things calmly that I never thought possible, I receiving blessings in our financial situations when no other explanation is possible, I feel happy, content, and hopeful in situations I would otherwise be miserable and desperate. In being resolute and open to His will, we may not receive exactly what we ask for, but He will give us what we need to get by. In that we can find true happiness and peace.

Creating a Habit: Here are my daily/weekly spiritual habits, or goal habits, as they relate to my three cornerstones in the foundation of peace. I hope they help you discover your own.

Prayer - upon waking daily, 3:00pm hour Divine Mercy Chaplet, evening rosary (at least one set of mysteries); various small prayers or conversations throughout my day.

Church - Sunday Mass weekly, Mass on all holy days of obligation; I also attend adoration & benediction nearly every week as it wonderfully happens to fall while my daughter is in catechism class.

Spiritual Reading - I am always reading a spiritually enriching book of some sort, currently Rediscovering Catholicism by Matthew Kelly. I also check out the stories on Spirit Daily at least a couple times a week. I am working on my Bible reading habit with a current goal of ten minutes daily. I started at the beginning with Genesis chapter one, but occasionally break from it when I need certain spiritual direction or comfort.